Jokes

Here's a selection (by which I mean the rude ones have been removed) of jokes. Some are about swimming and others aren't. By the same token, some are even amusing and others are simply hilarious. We certainly don't claim to have invented any of these, but the contributor (usually a member) is credited, just so you know!

The Offer

A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool.

The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash. All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"

Contributed by Karen Siddall.

What did the blonde write on the bottom of her swimming pool?

No smoking.

Contributed by Karen Siddall.

Breaststroke Blondes

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms".

Contributed by Robin Bignal.

The Old Cyclist

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm a cyclist," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out and ride my bicycle."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old cyclist. "In fact he rode with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a cyclist too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old cyclist.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. "So, I guess he went bike riding with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Contributed by Brian Palmer.

Think that you can do better? All comments and contributions are welcome!